I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
