Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
