well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
