the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
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