Porn is love you can see.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
