I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Every concussion has its silver lining
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
