My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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