i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
