I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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