Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
