His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
