I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
