I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
