the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
