All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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