at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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