My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
