The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
