Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
