I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
He passed out mid-signature
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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