When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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