he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
