Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
