how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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