Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
