Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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