I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
