Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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