you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Randomize
