your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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