he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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