totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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