Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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