shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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