No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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