Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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