I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
