you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Randomize
