Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
