Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
