omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
