You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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