Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
third nipple confirmed
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
