I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize