I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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