im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
