sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
