I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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