I can't watch pbs sober anymore
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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