girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
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