my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
i drank out of a bidet.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
