we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize