respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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