Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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