uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize