So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
